Cockroach!

biggus-fuckinguglyus

Apparently, it's not abnormal for cockroaches to grow to unreasonable sizes in Texas. I guess everything is bigger in this state. In Indiana, they're pretty small. Not that I've ever had an infestation, thank you very much, but in Texas, I guess there are fewer inhibitive factors preventing them from growing to unconscionable proportions. I've already seen some nearly three inches long by over an inch wide!

Recently, as I walked outside on the rear balcony to take clothes out of the dryer, I perceived a strange buzzing sound coming from behind me. Before I could react, a cockroach literally swooped down (yeah, they fly), buzzed the top of my head at some 112 mph., and took up residence in the very closet where I was heading. Once I got a clear look at this thing and realized it wasn't a bat or some sort of playfully mischievous bird-like creature, I cautiously began approaching it. It clumsily began flailing around in the most hideous manner possible to find all six legs so it could stand up and face me - as if to intimidate me and challenge me for territorial rights to the washing machine closet. As a human being, having been born with natural dominion over all beasts, big and small, I heartily laughed at this gesture. I then turned around and went back inside making sure to securely close both the screen and the sliding glass door behind me to plan my next move. I figured killing it was pretty much out of the question. Only because it was so huge, the corpse would be pretty messy and would be a chore in itself just to clean up. After an hour of deliberating, planning and Googling pictures of insects - a human instinct if ever there was one - I learned that the female cockroach will secrete a sticky substance from her mouth so she can attach her eggs to virtually any surface. I think that says a lot about the debauched and vile nature of the American Cockroach or periplaneta americana as a species. Armed with this new information, I went out there again to investigate, and it was gone.

In the end, I think he knew better.