Damn Yankees

Damn Yankees (with Ted Nugent)

The Cubs' loss today is particularly infuriating due to the fact that it came against that wealthy group of shameless future Hall of Famers from the east.

That gluttonously assembled dream team of men who were lured by nothing more than the call of greed and the smell of money.

The team who's fans' only goal in life is to throw D-cell batteries at opposing players and umpires who, however correctly, make calls against their home team of spineless, Satan worshiping, intemperant worms.

Worms led by their trio of ringleaders. You know - the most comically overstuffed hog of sports contract history, Alex Rodriguez; Jason "Steroid Vacuum" Giambi (as his teammates affectionatley call him); and "Mr. Gay Bar," Derek Jeter.

I advise that we reflect back to the ALCS of last falI. As such, I also offer this passage written after the Yankees' embarrassing loss to the Boston Red Sox last year by Michael J. Nelson, former head writer and host of MST3k.


They lost.

Update: The Yankees lost.

In case you're just catching up, the Yankees lost.

The Yankees did not win!

Repeat: If your information held that the Yankees won game 7 of the ALCS series, YOUR INFORMATION IS WRONG! They lost. Horribly and embarrassingly to — let's see, the Boston Red Stockings, is what I have here.

Again, the Yankees, who defeated the Minnesota Twins in four games in the 2004 ALDS, have lost.

Early reports that the Yankees won game seven of the ALCS seem to have been exaggerated, as late and highly credible reports from the game show that, clearly, the Red Sox, formerly the Pilgrims, actually won the disputed game.

Should you desire to see frame after lovely, delightful, heavenly frame of Derek Jeter losing game 7 of the ALCS, tune in to your local affiliate to see Mr. Jeter crushed, broken, and destroyed by the Boston Team.

Should your taste run in the direction of seeing Mariano Rivera failing to show up for a characteristic save in game 7 of the ALCS because by that time New York's ass was good and well kicked, well then, game 7 of the ALCS is your man.

If, rather, you delight in seeing games in which Derek Lowe makes Hideki Matsui look like,well, according to early reports, like "crap," well, then again, game 7 of the ALCS is the game for you.

Joe Torre, manager of the $400 trillion dollar Yankees had this to say about their heartbreaking loss: "Finally, justice was done upon this earth. We lost because we deserved to lose because we are evil. I only hope we never return."

Again, despite early reports that they did in fact win, the Yankees, I am sorry to say, lost.
Lost horribly

Their shame?
Oh, it was on display for everyone to see.

Again, the Yankees, who were favored by every media outlet on earth to win everything this country had to offer yet again failed to do so and lost horribly and embarrassingly in front of hundreds of millions of people.

In case you're just tuning in, again, the Yankees lost. Bernie Williams, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Mussina, Sheffield, Posada, Olerud, Lofton, Rivera, and, in case I neglected to mention him, Derek Jeter, failed, miserably, horribly and embarrassingly in front of their vaunted hometown, battery-throwing crowd, to win, despite the largest payroll in the history of the sport.

Yankees, um, something like 3, Boston, 10 or so.

Yankees lose.

Boston, their bitter, hated rivals, win.

Contact the Yankees for more information.